Thursday, June 30, 2011

This day, too, shall pass

The last few days, but especially today, have been difficult. Nothing in particular made them so, but still they feel like a struggle. An on-going four day struggle that I am trying not to show. Because nothing is wrong in the world. Whatever is wrong is with me.

There was something that kept me going till this morning, and that was being excited for @happymom4 and her daughters. Now that they are safely on their way home, most of the drive from that excitement is gone. There are other things I have the chance to focus on, and it might not be the best for me.

Even going to the kids' open house at school didn't break the funkiness of the day. As proud as I am of the kids, this visit also reminded me of my failure as a parent in bonding with some of them, in particular my two youngest. I blame my RAD on it, and I make it a daily priority to spend time with them, to love on them, and yes, I do love them, just the bonding is not going too well. And yes, it's been over 10 months... Yet, at the same time, I am well bonded with their sister, and Patrik, and bonding goes pretty well with the older kids as well... That's why I feel like I failed these two little ones. RAD doesn't just go away once a kid grows up and starts a family. Growing up my only healthy, positive attachment was to my brothers and sister who were 5, 6 and 7 years older than me, and I think that makes it easier for me with the middles and the teens. I am not a professional, though, so that is only my guess.

The day went downhill from the open house. With me realizing that I most likely signed myself up for failure with the 5K run/walk I am entering. Considering that only a year or so ago every step I took was a miracle the fact that I can now walk 5 km is blowing my mind. Yet, I'm not sure I can walk my 5 km within the time limits. So I'm pretty much setting myself up for failure for a cheap and ugly t-shirt and... driven by some utter jealousy at my friend who just run around the lake Balaton, 212 km in total, in 31 hours and 32 minutes. The knowledge that I'll never ever be able to do that bites. I'll have my brother Efrayim join me for this walk, and I'm making a playlist to last me the cca. 1 hour it will take for the 5K. There's only one song on the playlist so far, Harel Skaat's Lo Mehamer (which means no hurry, or don't hurry...), but even this makes me anxious and worried. Maybe I won't make a playlist any more.

My absolute inability to make things better for Yonah and the Newest Boy in their physical struggles is eating me. As Young Man's heart gets broken by a boyfriend I can't help but hurt with him. I keep worrying about Hope Anne and her dughters as they travel. I keep worrying about finances as I reduce my work hours to be able to teach part time for reduced tuition for our kids. Oh, and to finally finish that novel... I stress, I worry, I just feel beaten by the world, by my reality.
As the house quiets down, I turn on my music and open up my blogs, and suddenly I find myself listening to this song...

Harel Skaat's Yamim Acherim from the first album... Other Days.... I am listening to this in repeat and clinging to the chorus (in very liberally free translation): Other days will come, with the sun and with G-d, and the morning will be all right. 
Maybe tomorrow will be better.


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