Sunday, October 25, 2009

Why Stargate made me cry

More specifically, Stargate Universe Season 1 Episode 5. If I don't want to include spoilers, it will be hard to understand.

I don't often cry at movies, and totally not at science fiction, but this episode resonated with me. It wasn't even what choice I would make in the same situation, and I wasn't even worried about the characters--as IMDB lists 19 and 16 episodes for the characters. It was something else.

For the first 33 minutes or so I was overwhelmed by survivor's guilt. There are certain things that randomly trigger it, and years of therapy hasn't helped much to put it under control. The feeling of guilt is overwhelming and the memories that come with it are impossible to hush. Too  many people I have had the pleasure of meeting have passed on. Since my first diagnosis more than 22 years ago I have seen too many death notices. Children, teens, young adults. Cancer and hematological diseases took many of my playmates. And Stuart. And I'm still alive. Still here, kicking and screaming, living on, withmy struggles, joys and trials, I'm still here.
Why me? I will never know. It was meant to be. Yet, I still feel guilty for being alive while others, without any control of their fates, who were way better and more deserving than me, have died.

So that is why Stargate made me cry.


  1. I know what you mean. Of course, my situation is not the same,it's much less serious, but the feeling of guilt is similar. And it sucks.

  2. Hevel,
    There is a reason you are still alive.

  3. I have to agree with the previous post, you are here for a reason.

  4. The others are right , of course. But that sort of means you have a lifetime to ponder what the heck the reason...and that still sucks.
    Sorry,I can't help being sarcastic...



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