Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
An introduction to Jewish History
JEWISH HISTORY
According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5769.
According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4706.
This means that the Jews went without Chinese food for 1,063 years.
This period was known as the Dark Ages.
This was forwarded to me in an email. I thought I'd share so you all can be enlightened.
According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5769.
According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4706.
This means that the Jews went without Chinese food for 1,063 years.
This period was known as the Dark Ages.
This was forwarded to me in an email. I thought I'd share so you all can be enlightened.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Conversations with my sons Vol. 1: Linguistics
J: Dad, what's olive oild made of?
Me: Well, olives.
J: And sunflower seed oil?
Me: Sunflower seeds.
J: And vegetable oil?
Me: Vegetables.
J: And what about baby oil?
Me: ...
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Jewish Dictionary
This is something I have received in various e-mails the past few days. Enjoy!
Jewbilation
(n.) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.
Torahfied
(n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)
Matzilation
(v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
Bubbegum
(n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildrethat she never gave to her own children.
Chutzpapa
(n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
Deja Nu
(n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
Disoriyenta
(n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
Hebort
(v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
Jewdo
(n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Mamatzah Balls
(n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..
Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"
Mishpocha-
dots
(n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
Re-shtetlement
(n.) Moving
from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
Rosh Hashana-na-na
( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn .
Yidentify
(v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
Minyastics
(n.) Going t o incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.
Feelawful
(n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.
Dis-kvellified
(v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
Impasta
( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
Kinders-Shlep
(v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
Schmuckluck(n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
Shofarsogut
(n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
Trayffic
Accident
(n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.
Jewbilation
(n.) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.
Torahfied
(n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)
Matzilation
(v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
Bubbegum
(n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildrethat she never gave to her own children.
Chutzpapa
(n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
Deja Nu
(n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
Disoriyenta
(n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
Hebort
(v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
Jewdo
(n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Mamatzah Balls
(n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..
Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"
Mishpocha-
dots
(n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
Re-shtetlement
(n.) Moving
from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
Rosh Hashana-na-na
( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn .
Yidentify
(v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
Minyastics
(n.) Going t o incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.
Feelawful
(n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.
Dis-kvellified
(v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
Impasta
( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
Kinders-Shlep
(v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
Schmuckluck(n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
Shofarsogut
(n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
Trayffic
Accident
(n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.
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