Rebels without a cause

I remember when I was an LDS (Mormon) missionary, the wife of our mission president once said that boys should be sent on a mission when they are 16 instead of when they are 19: they know everything and it would be a nice break for the moms! Of course she was kidding, but she had a point. I am not 100% sure what a parent-child relationship is like when someone is 16 or 19, because my parents decided they no longer wanted to parent me when I was 15, and finalized the disruption of my adoption shortly thereafter. So yeah, I am not sure how strained my relationship would have been with them. But even after they removed me from their home and abandoned me, I learned a very important thing: I should respect and honour their rules as long as I'm in their home and always always honour them. I did just that and while they rejected me, when the situation arose I did honour their wishes. 

Exodus 20:12 commands "Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." (NIV-UK) 

It's a commandment, not a request, not an advice. It says "Honour your father and your mother", without conditions. It's not "Honour your father and your mother unless they set a curfew that you think is too early." It's not "Honour your father and your mother as long as they do what you want." It doesn't even mention parents have to respect their child to be honoured. Those commandments are written elsewhere, and the parents' failure to keep them does not make Exodus 20:12 null and void. Self proclaimed Christian and religious Jewish youths tend to forget this. 

The issue with today's society is entitlement. "I have rights," a rebellious friend said once, "they can't make me do things what I don't want to do and they can't kick me out of the house. I have rights." It was a hard slap on the face when his parents had him evicted from their home. Rights end when someone is no longer a minor. Rights, and in a way, parents' responsibility put up with their kids' cr@p also end once the child grows up. Expecting parents to provide for a youth, while he or she is awaiting their dream position is all too common. All the while being disrespectful makes it sting even more. Feeling entitled to parents' resources seems to be the standard. Getting a car, parents paying for college, trips to Europe is not gratefully accepted but expected these days. And if these material goods don't land on someone's lap... airing their grievances on Facebook, on blogs, on twitter, more often than not on devices that were purchased by said parents, seems to be considered a basic human right.

Of course, we, parents, seem to be encouraging this behaviour. The media seem to be encouraging this behaviour. Modern parenting methods definitely make kids and young adults believe they are some special snowflakes. Better than their parents. And it's not only teenagers, who are expected to rebel against everything and the exact opposite of it, but twenty-somethings as well. 

So here is some news: they are not. 

The world doesn't owe them anything. They will have to work for everything as their parents and grandparents did. It's going to be tough when they are forced to wake up, and find themselves in the real world... with kids on their own who will treat them as they treated their parents. 

What a slap in the face that will be. 

I almost let them ruin my Shabbat

I have been debating with myself whether I should write this entry, because I didn't want to think much about the incident this morning. Now, hours after Havdalah, when the Shabbat is over and we are once again back to the regular weekdays, I feel like I have to write down what was bothering me, only for my own peace of mind.

From my own experience of when my adoptive parents decided to dissolve my adoption, I knew that disruption could involve control issues and power games. Those of you, who have been following my blogs know that now, over ten years later, my adoptive mother is still trying to extend some control over my life.

This morning P's previous parents came over, bringing the rest of his stuff along. It was just mom and dad, and while P was reluctant to come out to see them, they kind of pressured Kevin into calling the boys out. Dad delivered a short sermon about continuing to walk in the footsteps of Christ. (A good thought for Christians: It's not enough to walk where he walked, it's important to live as he lived.) As a parting gift P was given a Boy's Bible (NIV). Then Dad said he'd like to give a father's blessing to P.

I have to admit that blew it for me completely. In my home it is a weekly tradition as the Shabbat comes in that a father's blessing is given to each of the boys after we light the candles and do kiddush (or, in the summer, after we get home from Kabbalat Shabbat). It is an age old Jewish tradition, one that even my totally assimilated great-grandfather kept, one that my secular atheist borther keeps. It's a very important tradition for me, for my family.

Ye'simcha Elohim ke-Ephraim ve'chi-Menashe.

It being the second Shabbat P was spending with us we knew he had no idea what a father's blessing was - he had never received one, nor had he ever seen his dad give one. So the suggestion that P should receive one from the man who just effectively told the child he was not his parent any more felt like a slap in the face.  I felt like one of the most sacred acts between parents and chldren in the home was mocked. I am sure it wasn't their intention. I am sure they meant well. I am also surre they were tring to control something they had no business doing.

The blessing never happened. P pulled away from dad and excused himself, while Kevin, pointing out that we needed to be at the synagogue in less than an hour and the kids still had the PJs on, asked the parents to leave. Which they did.

Yes, we did go to synagogue. Yes, we had to deal with a grumpy and tearful child. Yes, we are Jews, and yes, any child we'll raise will get to celebrate Jewish holidays, worship on the Shabbat and learn Torah. No, none of them will be forced to convert (if we adopt toddlers they might get to be converted before they can make that decision for themselves), but they will be part of a Jewish family. So P came to synagogue, where he did get to participate with everyone else in singing, reciting prayers and listening to Torah readings. P was sitting with his new brothers and cousins, and by the time we had kiddush he seemed fine.

Tonight as the boys were getting ready for bed, Kevin went to get the trash from their bathroom. Inside the trash can he found the new Boys Bible. As it was neither wet nor particularly dirty, he got it out and put it away for now. I'm not 100% sure what we should do with it, though.

I'm angry with myself for letting this morning's events be heavy on my mind all day. There are two great commandments regarding the Shabbat: to sanctify it and to enjoy it. I did miserably with the second one, because I let others have control over me. And now I have to wait 6 more days before we can light the Shabbat candles again.

Shabbat morning parenting moment

This morning my dad dropped Craig and Justin off after shul, so the four of us had a mini musroom melt sandwiches for breakfast with a big jug of cocoa. Then Craig helped me load the dishwasher while his brothers put the leftovers away and then they all attacked the couch and put Mozart's Don Givanni in the DVD and just read and watched the opera till my dad came to pick Matt up and take him in for today's treatment.

Meanwhile I just got pretty distracted by Craig and Justin having a fight that escalated to some hair pulling and scratching, so both boys are in time out for now. A friend of mine remarked that a) she would feel sorry for the kids while they are being disciplined and b) some of these little fights are better to left unpunished as kids can determine the pack hierarchy through experiencing each other's strength.

I couldn't resist, but offer the blessing--or is it a course--that may her kid be surrounded by children of parents thinking similarly and supervised by teachers also thinking the same way. The reason? If you are right, then you'll be happy, if you are wrong, you'll learn it in time.

I am not legalizing fighting and agression between my kids by letting them sort it out for themselves. They can experience the limits of their strength and their brothers' when wrestling, pillow fighting or something along those lines. And disciplining each other is not the responsibility of my kids, but mine, as their parent.

Now as I have typed this up, it's time for lunch and time out for the boys is up.